1. Anticipate change, including unexpected change or change outside your control.  Life is full of such changes.
2. Accept new roads, and learn to tolerate and engage the unexpected detours.
3. Apply the Gumby Principle– In all things be flexible.
4. Allow yourself the time you need to process the unexpected, and realize everyone is an individual with their own needed amount of time to process events adequately.
5. Adapt to your new circumstance.  One of the most impressive aspects of our humanity is our ability to adapt.  Learn to trust this about yourself.
6. Associate with people who can support you– good friends, supportive family members, ministry professionals, a counselor. 
7. Always remember that relationships come first.

This list is not meant to be exhaustive, and it is certainly not meant to be formulaic.  We are each far too complex for that.  But as I heard a commentator on CNN say recently, “Perfect should not be used as an argument against the good.”  In other words, if you think you need to turn “now” into a heavenly or utopian space, then you will likely discover that no help is adequate, no set of ideas will suffice.  But if you can come to terms with your humanity in a broken world, then applying the kinds of principles noted above can be extremely useful in helping you deal effectively and positively with “now.”

A good therapist can help you deal with the challenges of “now.”  All of us need a little help dealing with life from time to time.  Life isn’t easy in our world.  But if you avoid the tendency toward wanting and needing it to be perfect, what you will discover is that life can be really good.  A good therapist can help you discover hope for today.

Perfect comes later.

And when you get a little stir crazy from being shut up in your home with your partner, and you and your mate are at odds with each other, give us a call.  We can help you work out those pesky relational problems that may be exacerbated by winter’s wily ways.

December 21 is the shortest day of the year.  After that the days again gradually become longer.  Considered naturally, Christmas is the time we celebrate the return of the “sun.”  Considered supernaturally, Christmas is the time we celebrate the coming of the “Son.”  In either case, it’s all good! 

The team at Sioux Falls Psychological Services hopes you experience an uncommonly good holiday season.

HELP KIDS AVOID LOUSY START AT SCHOOL

That title got me interested.  I mean, who wants to have their children start school and have it be a lousy experience!  I wondered if the article would address such things as academic demands, the tendency for kids to become too involved in too many extracurricular activities, the challenges of relationships in high school, the unfortunate reality of bullying that occurs far too often in our schools, and family problems at home that make performance at school difficult for kids.

Imagine my surprise (and probably yours now) when I read the subtitle which said:

Tiny parasites keep turning up year after year; Advice available on detection, getting rid of pesky problem

I wasn’t expecting that.  Not because I’m unfamiliar with the little buggers.  They have found their way into our home in the past, and I proudly proclaim we were victorious over our foe!  It’s just that I’m a psychotherapist and my mind tends to run to other things that can lead to a lousy start to the school year.

I do not have a ton of advice for you.  No ten steps on how to prevent a lousy start to the school year for your children.  No magic formula that will make it easy for your kids.  No new pill on the market that will increase your child’s desire to study.

But I do have one age-old idea to throw your way, one time-tested approach to parenting that can help your children deal with life in school and out of school.  It’s an idea we have lost some connection to in our rapid-fire culture.  I want to encourage you to BE AVAILABLE to your children.  Yeah, it’s that simple, …and that difficult.

We sometimes make the mistake as parents of acting as if our children are a cumbersome interruption in our adult lives, when in fact our adult lives (American style) are the interruption in our children’s development into healthy, stable adults.  So find your way to meaningful availability to your children and I suspect you will see the kind of positive results that can prevent a lousy start to the school year.  It’s that simple, …and that difficult.

But the point is precisely that even in an aware state, and at a time when we clearly desire to do the good thing, we still tend to lean toward unhealthy behavior and disruptive ways of communicating and interacting with those we love, with those who are important to us.

So what is the answer?  How do we deal with this struggle that is present in all of us?  Let me say first of all that part of life in this world – part of being human – is that you never get to fully escape this struggle.  Carl Rogers, one of the most influential psychologists and theorists, suggested that psychological problems often get generated at the intersection of what we value and what we do.  That is, when what we do runs somehow contrary to what we value, at that point of contrariness psychological problems frequently occur.

That is why we need to invest in increasing our ability to cope effectively with our own brokenness, and our own tendency to act in ways inconsistent with our own values (with what we understand to be good or moral or humane).

But what is it that best motivates us to even do that much?  What gives us the hope that we can be changed?  What instills in us the belief that our marriage can be saved, that our relationships at work can be improved, and that those aspects of our behavior that we don’t like about ourselves can actually be altered?

The answer is as old as life itself.  Human beings respond to the experience of being loved in a no-strings-attached accepting way.  When we experience love and acceptance we tend to respond with love and acceptance of others.  If we don’t or didn’t receive the love and acceptance we needed while growing up, then our ability to engage in effective and healthy coping behaviors can sometimes be compromised.  And that makes making change very difficult.

A professional relationship with a caring therapist can help you work through the challenges of growing up in an unhealthy family or setting where love was not expressed or exhibited often.  You can discover a new level of self-acceptance through therapy, and that will help you cope and make positive and meaningful changes in your life and in your relationships.

We don’t ever get completely free of our brokenness in this world.  There will always be something that we need to change about ourselves, something we could improve in our way of relating to others.  The experience of love and acceptance helps us and motivates us to make the effort to change when change is needed.  And that makes life a lot more meaningful and rich.

The result is that those who live down river are facing floods the likes of which we haven’t seen.  People are moving out of their homes in anticipation of watching their homes become inundated with river water, and with the awareness that those homes may sit in that water for a month or more.  This is not a pleasant story. 

Nor are South Dakotans alone in their predicament.  Life for all of us can have difficult moments and difficult months.  Sometimes the difficulty is extremely personal, and sometimes it is community-wide.  Sometimes difficulties are national in scope. 

Resilience is very important at such times.  A recent article published by the American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress – such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.”  I often point out to people that one of the more remarkable realities about being human is that humans adapt.  We are able to make adjustments “mid-stream” (pun intended) so that we can continue to live purposeful and rich lives even in the midst of adversity.

The article I mentioned above lists “several pointers [that] may be helpful to consider in developing your own strategy for building resilience."  I want to list just a few. 

1. Accept that change is a part of living.  Just as we anticipate the radical changes that accompany the seasons in South Dakota, so we must learn to anticipate change as a constant in our lives.  We don’t always know what the change will look like, but we do know change is normal.  Come to terms with this reality.

2. Make connections.  Times of difficulty are not meant to be carried or borne alone.  Develop strong friendships and strong ties to family whenever possible.  The APA article notes that “some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope.”  If you are connected to a church you are connected to a great potential source of support.  I recall something the Apostle Paul wrote.  The context is somewhat different, but the principle applies.  He encourages us to “bear one another’s burdens.”  Clearly, when we face hard times we need healthy relationships to help us carry on. 

3. Look for opportunities for self-discovery.  Psychological theorists tell us that crisis breeds or potentiates transition.  That is, working through a difficult crisis can lead to a healthier, more mature self with an increased capacity for dealing with life’s challenges.  Difficulties in life can and do actually strengthen us.  In other words, though we wouldn’t want to wish tragedy on anyone, neither do we need to run from tragedy.  We can lean into our experience.  In the process we just might discover a “greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, [an] increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality and heightened appreciation for life.”

None of us wish for difficult times to come our way.  We don’t relish loss and sadness.  But such times will most certainly enter our lives – sometimes when we least expect it, and sometimes in the form of 150,000 cubic feet of water predicted to come over the dam.  This is the world after all, and the world is a broken place.  The Army Corps of Engineers will tell us that sometimes our best efforts aren’t enough to avoid even predictable crisis, and the Missouri River is reminding us of that right now.

You may discover that you need some professional support along the way as well.  A mental health professional is a good resource for you when the difficulties you face cause you too much anxiety, problematic depression, and a lost sense of direction in life.  Tragic situations stir up struggles with life’s meaning and purpose.  The therapists at Sioux Falls Psychological Services want to come along side you in your struggle.  They are skilled at exploring life’s meaning and purpose in the midst of trial and tragedy.  They can help you rediscover hope for the future in the midst of emotional and spiritual struggle.

If you need help, call us.  For further information on resilience you can visit the Psychology Help Center of the American Psychological Association (apa.org/helpcenter).

Sometimes the issues and experiences that weigh you down are significant and have a very long history.  For you, therapy might last quite a long time.

Discovering the right way for doing therapy is a bit like discovering the right way for making chicken.  Usually the right way for you is the way you like it – the way that best fits your personality and your needs.  Good therapists are able to adjust their style and utilize their knowledge and skill set to help you figure some things out.

What is common and foundational to all good therapy is the importance of the relationship that develops between you and your therapist.  When shopping around for a therapist, look for one who has good training and good credentials.  But don’t stop there.  Also look for a therapist you connect with – for someone you can relate to and who you believe can relate to you.  The quality of that collaborative relationship with your therapist can pave the way to new insights, deep internal transformation, and increased personal skills in coping and relational function. 

Spring’s failure to release you from your sense of dullness and lack of motivation can be dealt with and overcome in the context of a good therapy relationship.  Take good care of yourself and get the help that is available to you.  You don’t have to live with unending “gray around the edges of your life.”

At times worry functions more like a friend.  Worry can motivate us to take action so we prepare for upcoming events.  For example, a bit of worry may motivate us to study for a test at school, or carefully prepare for a presentation at work.  The anxiety created by a little worry can help us prioritize and make time to study or prepare so we learn the material better and do our best as a result.  A little worry can also alert us to potential dangers so we are more alert and careful to avoid injury.  Appropriate worry gets us to put on a seatbelt in our car or wear a life jacket in a boat.  Worry can be a friend.

The problem is that worry can easily get out of control, taking more and more of our time and energy.  Worry is always based on our ability to imagine future events and connect potential future events with past experiences or memories.  When worry gets out of control our imagination takes over and starts to create all sorts of negative thoughts about the future.  We need to recognize that none of these thoughts are based on reality since the events have not even happened yet.  However, they can feel very real and create a lot of fear and anxiety.

If we are able to recognize that our worry comes from negative thoughts that are generated by our imagination we can start to take control of our worry.  For some people this can be very difficult because of a long history of negative thought patterns.  There can also be biological and genetic factors, or traumatic events that contribute to a person’s tendency to worry.  In those cases, worry may be very difficult to overcome.

If you are a person of faith, then you might want to consider looking to scripture for help.  God’s promises can be a source of strength against worry.  For example, Jesus tells us we don’t need to worry about life all the time.  He says God cares about all of creation – the birds, flowers, and people.  Furthermore, we are encouraged to take things one day at a time.  Why?  Because, as Jesus says, each day has enough trouble of its own.

Peter is basically saying the same thing when he suggests that we cast all our anxiety on Jesus, because he cares for us.  These promises from God can be a great help in times of worry.  Remember that worry comes from your thoughts and imagination and with the help of God’s promises you can take back control of your life.

Sometimes we need someone to walk through this journey with us so that we can face our worries and gain a new and healthier perspective, as well as develop better ways of coping with the challenges we face in our lives.  A good therapist who understands both the psychological and spiritual aspects of life can help you successfully navigate your journey.

Up to half of U.S. children and adolescents meet diagnostic criteria for at least one mental disorder by age 18, according to the first nationally representative, face-to-face survey on the topic. The data, released in October by researchers at the National Institutes of Health, also showed that many of these disorders emerge early — with an average age-of-onset of 6 for anxiety disorders, 11 for behavior disorders, 13 for mood disorders and 15 for substance use disorders.

The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (Vol. 49, No. 10) indicates the percent of youth who meet the criteria for a mental disorder.

• Anxiety Disorders - 31.9%
• Behavior Disorders - 19.1%
• Mood Disorders - 14.3 %
• Substance Use Disorders - 11.4%

This data is reflective of the challenges our youth face in our culture and in what is frequently a challenging home environment.  Parents, therapists, and educators all need to be keenly aware of these numbers, and cognizant of ways to intervene in terms of treatment and in terms of prevention.  Get to know the average age of onset for the disorders noted in the graph above, and learn to look for signs of difficulty.

In many cases there is great value in parent(s) attending therapy sessions, even when it seems the issue is unrelated to parenting.  The consultation of an outside voice can often go a long ways toward helping ameliorate an otherwise very difficult situation.  And earlier intervention is always better, so don’t wait until your child’s or student’s situation is critical.  Get them and/or their parent(s) the help they need as soon as you see the early signs of anxiety or depression, or as soon as you see or hear about significant behavior problems or substance use.

Although there are many situations where intervention can best occur with the parent(s) only, there are also times when the family needs to be seen, or when the child or adolescent needs individual therapy.   The development of a trusting therapeutic relationship helps young people who struggle with psychological issues and challenges. 

If you are a parent and you see your child struggling psychologically or behaviorally, seek out competent help.  Talk to your child’s teacher(s), meet with the youth pastor or youth leader if you are in a church, and seek out capable therapists to come alongside you and your family.  There is much that can be done to help our children and adolescents be healthy, resilient people who can mature and contribute to the well-being of our families, our communities, and our culture.

 Look at this list of six potential sources of vulnerability and consider your own experience.  Maybe you could take a short inventory of what vulnerabilities might apply to you.

 Biological Vulnerability – The mind/body connection means that what is going on in our body can impact us emotionally, and what is going on with us emotionally can impact our biology.  We also know that many psychological disorders have a connection to your biological history.  You may be genetically predisposed to certain psychological problems.  That is why most good research says the best treatment for most psychological disorders is a combination of psychotherapy or counseling and consideration of a medication regimen (psychiatry). 

 Familial Vulnerability – The parenting or care giving you received or did not receive in your earliest years of life plays a key role in your psychological development.  If you were loved and attended to in appropriate ways as a child you are less likely to be saddled with significant psychological struggle as an adolescent or an adult.  If you are rejected or abused in your childhood you are more likely to face psychological struggle later on in life.

 Cultural Vulnerability – The culture you grow up in may impact your psychological health as well.  There are aspects of every culture that are unhealthy and that can precipitate emotional struggle in some people.

 Relational Vulnerability – If you grew up in a family where parental conflict was extreme, and where your parents eventually divorced, this clearly can contribute to your own struggle with your intimate relationships.  Trust of others may be difficult for you.  You may be less inclined to turn to others for help because of this.  In similar manner, if your parents were severely avoidant of conflict, then you may equally be uncomfortable with conflict, feel stymied in your ability to deal with it, and become depressed or anxious because of this.

 Circumstantial Vulnerability – We are obviously impacted by what we experience in the world.  When those experiences include things like service in a war zone, being the victim of a hurricane, or learning of the diagnosis of a serious disease – such circumstances can negatively impact our psychological health.  The body of literature on the experience of trauma and its impact is both large and daunting. 

 Spiritual Vulnerability – We are all spiritual beings, though we might have very different understandings of our own spirituality.  The degree to which we do or do not have a sense of existential or personal meaning in our life impacts our degree of vulnerability to psychological struggle.

Using the definitions above, rank each of these areas for your own life.  Maybe you could use a scale of 1 (no vulnerability here) to 10 (very vulnerable here) and rank each area that way.  Or consider if your vulnerability in each of these six areas is mild, moderate, or severe.  It’s good to know what you are up against.  Awareness is fundamental to psychological health.  Awareness can get you to seek help sooner, before your psychological problems get completely out of hand.  Awareness may even get you to seek out preventive help and support (friends, church, therapist, family, mentor, supervisor) before you get into trouble.

Get to know your vulnerabilities, and then seek out the help and support you need to address those areas of your life where you want to see some change.  The therapists at Sioux Falls Psychological Services are here to help you when you need someone to journey with you.

In severe depression, the feeling of hopelessness is a key symptom.    In marriages, once hope is lost divorce becomes a very real option.  Children who experience a lack of hope in their earliest days and months of life sometimes develop a “failure to thrive” syndrome.  People without hope of life beyond this world often frantically attempt to make meaning out of whatever current thing most grabs their attention.

I think we all have a “Hope Barometer” built in to our internal world.  Much of the time we probably do not attend to the barometer.  It seems to us that it is too painful to face our hopelessness when it rises up.  We simply push it out of our awareness and attempt to go on with life.  But in the end that doesn’t work either.  The result is a diminished sense of personal worth, compromised relationships, and often a dull internal ache that makes it hard to get a full breath.  It is an unpleasant and unfulfilling way to live.

In large letters across the wall in our waiting room is the phrase, “Offering Hope.”  We believe that hope lives!  Certainly “hope” does not always translate into “better,” particularly if we mean that life gets easier.  But maybe life is more about the journey and the growth that occurs on the journey.  And maybe it is not about each of us individually, but rather is about all of us being in this world together – a world where together we pursue a greater sense of our common humanity.  There is hope in such connectedness – both the connectedness we feel in our human relationships, and the connectedness we feel in our relationship with the Creator.

Sioux Falls Psychological Services “hopes” you have a meaningful holiday season.  And if hope is lacking in your life, we encourage you to seek us out so we can help you find your way into a meaningful and fulfilling human experience.  Psychotherapy is hardly the only way to hope, but it is certainly one good way to discover a bit more about your journey.  And in many cases life actually does get a little easier and relationships do become more stable as a result.